Anatomy of a Chicken

Jacquelyn asked me to post today and I wasn't sure what to say, so I chose the blog I posted yesterday on my own site. It's too funny not to share with the world:)

Okay, so I’ll freely admit I’m not a good cook. No, that’s not right, I really just suck. But, my lack of kitchen skills does not bother me, I feel I have other talents.

Last Monday went wrong the second I got out of bed and sat out a whole chicken to thaw. Yes, A WHOLE CHICKEN. Not breasts, legs or tenders…that I can do. I’d never attempted a whole chicken before, but how hard could it be?

I rubbed the bird with butter, sprinkled it with some seasoning, put it breast side up in a roasting pan and smiled as I shoved it in the oven. I just knew my husband would be so proud of me when he sat down to a meal I didn’t prepare from a box or pull out of little white cartons.

While my chicken baked, I prepared mashed potatoes, gravy and corn on the cob. (Quick side note: Keep in mind I’m chasing a toddler while trying to be Rachel Ray .)

So, when the timer goes off-minutes before hubby is due to walk in the door-I pull the bird out, poke a long fork in it and see the clear juices running out. Yeah! It’s done and right on time.

Oh, if only it were that easy and the story ended here.

As I start to carve into it, I’m amazed at the little amount of meat on this bird. I just keep hitting bone and the meat is dark. Okay, something is not right here.
I leave the chicken on the stove, sit my daughter in her chair and get ready to serve her. I put potatoes and corn on her plate and attempt to find some meat on this gigantic bird. As I’m doing this, hubby comes home. This poor man has worked all day and the scene he finds when he steps into the kitchen is me muttering some not-so-nice words under my breath to this stupid bird while our daughter is screaming, “Chicken!”.

Hubby asks what’s wrong. I tell him there’s no meat on this thing, it’s all bone. He tells me that’s because the breasts are down. No they’re not, I put the breasts up, just like the package said.

He flopped the chicken over, sliced off a nice chunk of WHITE meat and says, “See, this is breast meat.” I roll my eyes because this poor chicken has the flatest chest I’ve ever seen! The poor thing, no wonder I confused the back for the breast.

So hubby (being the sarcastic man he is ) says, “Okay, here’s an anatomy lesson. These are the legs. See, they are at the bottom just like our legs. Here’s the wings.” He grabs my arms and flaps them. “Here’s your wings. Here’s the breasts.”

I hold up my hand. “I got it!”

So, since the flat-chested bird was boob side down, the chicken didn’t get done. We ate A LOT of mashed potatoes and gravy while waiting the other 20 minutes for this thing to finish cooking.

This is precisely why I DON’T COOK! It’s frustrating, annoying, and way, way too time consuming.

So, let's hear your kitchen catastrophes! And for those of you who don't want to cook and want to read a good book, check out my website www.julesbennett.com for my most recent and upcoming releases!