Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Anatomy of a Chicken

Jacquelyn asked me to post today and I wasn't sure what to say, so I chose the blog I posted yesterday on my own site. It's too funny not to share with the world:)

Okay, so I’ll freely admit I’m not a good cook. No, that’s not right, I really just suck. But, my lack of kitchen skills does not bother me, I feel I have other talents.

Last Monday went wrong the second I got out of bed and sat out a whole chicken to thaw. Yes, A WHOLE CHICKEN. Not breasts, legs or tenders…that I can do. I’d never attempted a whole chicken before, but how hard could it be?

I rubbed the bird with butter, sprinkled it with some seasoning, put it breast side up in a roasting pan and smiled as I shoved it in the oven. I just knew my husband would be so proud of me when he sat down to a meal I didn’t prepare from a box or pull out of little white cartons.

While my chicken baked, I prepared mashed potatoes, gravy and corn on the cob. (Quick side note: Keep in mind I’m chasing a toddler while trying to be Rachel Ray .)

So, when the timer goes off-minutes before hubby is due to walk in the door-I pull the bird out, poke a long fork in it and see the clear juices running out. Yeah! It’s done and right on time.

Oh, if only it were that easy and the story ended here.

As I start to carve into it, I’m amazed at the little amount of meat on this bird. I just keep hitting bone and the meat is dark. Okay, something is not right here.
I leave the chicken on the stove, sit my daughter in her chair and get ready to serve her. I put potatoes and corn on her plate and attempt to find some meat on this gigantic bird. As I’m doing this, hubby comes home. This poor man has worked all day and the scene he finds when he steps into the kitchen is me muttering some not-so-nice words under my breath to this stupid bird while our daughter is screaming, “Chicken!”.

Hubby asks what’s wrong. I tell him there’s no meat on this thing, it’s all bone. He tells me that’s because the breasts are down. No they’re not, I put the breasts up, just like the package said.

He flopped the chicken over, sliced off a nice chunk of WHITE meat and says, “See, this is breast meat.” I roll my eyes because this poor chicken has the flatest chest I’ve ever seen! The poor thing, no wonder I confused the back for the breast.

So hubby (being the sarcastic man he is ) says, “Okay, here’s an anatomy lesson. These are the legs. See, they are at the bottom just like our legs. Here’s the wings.” He grabs my arms and flaps them. “Here’s your wings. Here’s the breasts.”

I hold up my hand. “I got it!”

So, since the flat-chested bird was boob side down, the chicken didn’t get done. We ate A LOT of mashed potatoes and gravy while waiting the other 20 minutes for this thing to finish cooking.

This is precisely why I DON’T COOK! It’s frustrating, annoying, and way, way too time consuming.

So, let's hear your kitchen catastrophes! And for those of you who don't want to cook and want to read a good book, check out my website www.julesbennett.com for my most recent and upcoming releases!


CinnamonGirl said...

LMFAO! I feel your pain! I have mild ADD & absolutely NO concept of time, so I literally CAN NOT walk away from anything I'm cooking, if I'm to avoid burning it, with out a set egg-timer hanging from my neck! I've screwed up some majorly easy dishes due to just the teensiest distraction (well, okay, maybe 4 or 5) or by thinking only 10 minutes had passed instead of 30! :) So, you're not HALF as bad as me! At least the chicken was still salvageable! I'm going to check out your website. I love wit & humor mixed into a good romance, so I'm sure I will love your stories! All my best ~ Ness

Tracy said...

OMG I'm holding my belly I'm laughing so hard. This is sooooo me! I can't tell the whole story here cuz it would take up so much space but when I tried to make a Walnut Torte with Coffee whipped cream for a gourmet potluck. Just suffice it to say that I FUBARED it! lol.

Thank for the great story. I like your site! :)

Anna said...

That was funny, but I know how ya feel. Having to cook is sooo frustation. I took like every cooking home ec class in school which has resulted in me hating having to have anything to do with cooking. LOL!

Kat said...


You're allowed to have problems in the kitchen. You're an amazing writer and therefore should not be a great cook because anyone who is good at too many things cannot possibly be human.

As for kitchen stories, I'm decent in the kitchen but I almost never cook (too braindead when I get home from class).

And I keep meaning to email you. It is underlined repeatedly on my list of important things to do. Too many emergencies keep popping up.

The gist of the message is Home Again was WONDERFUL!!!!

Have a wonderful Tuesday :)


Debra said...

This is the story of my daughter's first attempt at baking a cake alone. She checked the cake by pulling it out quickly and without help so it slipped and she burned herself and of course the cake was not done so it spilled over the now hot oven and baked rather rapidly. After calming her down and finishing up what was left of the cake. She frosted it too early even though I told her to wait and we now have a mess with melted frosting and crumbled up cake. She was making this cake for an older woman who lived across the streeet. So she takes it to her, slips and falls and loses half the cake. Finally the cake made it the lady and there was enough for one very small piece.

Meljprincess said...

LOL! Good story. Years ago I decided to cut up a chicken and cook it but it made me sick after cutting and I couldn't eat it!
My fiance does all the cooking so I don't have any disasters to talk about. :-)
Off to check out your site....

littlelamblst said...

Had to chuckle at your story. I love to eat, but cooking took a long while to grow on me. Funnily enough, I have a tendancy to bake my chickens breast side down. You're right, it does take longer to cook through but on the other hand, the white meat is kept very juicy.

Cosmo & J.J. said...

Jules, Mixes and takeout--hard to mess up! LOL

At least you try. there's got to be points in that, right?

Cosmo & J.J. said...

Did I mention that I once cooked the kitchen timer? Didn't notice i had the wrong burner on until only the bell was left...

Rena said...

HAHA!! Too funny, but I've actually witnessed worse cooking fiascos! Thanksgiving and Christmas of the same year, my cousin cooked a turkey. On BOTH occasions she forgot to take all the extra bits out of the turkey. Imagine the look on everyone's face when her son pulled a plastic bag from inside the turky after he was done carving it!!! Being the smart-aleck that he is, he just dropped it on his mother's plate and said Merry Christmas!

AmyC said...

Hi Jules!! I finally read Home Again today! I feel terrible! I bought it when it was first released and I just now got to it! But it was great. I have never read a contemporary before. Well, I shouldn't say never. I have read a few but they were not exactly "Sweet" LOL! Always paranormals and historicals. It was really good though! I look forward to reading more in the future of yours and also meeting you in a few weeks!! :)

Now on to my cooking fiasco! Thanksgiving dinner 5 years ago. My inlaws were up from TN so I decided to have dinner at my house instead of my husbands aunts house. So there was a total of 8 adults I had to cook for and the first time ever for me to cook a holiday dinner!! I have always done it for just me and the husband...no big deal! I can handle the two of us. Why this should be any different I have no idea. Well, my turkey was not cooked all the way. No one told me that if you stuff a turkey it takes longer to cook! They stuff, I don't! But my father in law fixed that problem. He carved up some of it and through it in the microwave and told me no one would no the difference!! LOL. Then I went to put the pumpkin pies in the oven to cook. I should have cooked them the day before but I didn't. They were the frozen kind. Two of them. I put them in the fridge to thaw but I never read the instructions and, well, they turned to liquid and leaked ALL over my fridge!! So, we had no pie after dinner! Thank goodness I wasnt new to the family. What they would have thought of me!!

Jacquelyn Frank said...

Wow! Thanks everybody for the great feedback:) I've been heavy into edits all day and decided to take a break.

To those who read Home Again and enjoyed it...THANK YOU! My spicy novella (the first in a series of three) will be released in about a month. YAY!!

Be sure to check my site for the exact dates for the upcoming releases.

And for those of you going to RAW...I've got some really kickass outfits:)


Kat said...


Been waiting for your next Jules. I got the magnet for A Stranger's Bed - the cover is totally hot and I can't wait to read the book :)

Robin Snodgrass said...

Ok, I was a little bit worse the first time I cooked a whole chicken. I was fixing dinner for my then boyfriend (now hubby) and thought roasted chicken sounded good. No one told me that you had to take the plastic bag of giblets out of the dang thing....

Can you just guess how bad that bird turned out?


I'm much better now 20 years later...well, at least I like to think I am. I know now to take out the giblets. *G*


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