Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Platypus magnet

Violated.

When people are victims of a crime, this is often the term they use to describe it. It's pretty accurate...and pretty skin-crawling. But what do you use to intensify that adjective? What describes the feeling when someone you trust and love commits a crime against you?

Being a person with chronic pain, I'm on a lot of meds. Every week I lay out a tray of almost 14 different kinds of meds for all kinds of reasons. I keep all of my meds in a huge Ziploc bag in the bottom center cubby of a 3 by 3 (9) cubby shelf that it inches away from the lazyboy chair I spend most of the day in. I rarely leave the house, travel and walking and even mundane things tiring me easily. I prefer to sit and type and enjoy my friends and fans on the internet, to write, to read, to watch movies. Before my foster daughter came along, I was as hermit-like as it got.

You see, I don't mix well with people. It's not that I don't trust anyone...it's that I don;t trust myself to choose the right people. Sometimes it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, walks like a duck...and its a platypus. Those are the ones I always seem to find.

I am apparently a platypus magnet. I always seem to find the wolf in a perfectly tailored sheep's costume. Have you ever felt that way? That's how I feel today. That's how I felt yesterday when I went to dole out my medications and while sorting through them lifted out a bottle of narcotics, something I use only in crisis as prescribed, that had eight pills left in it.

Last week it had had over 200. A second bottle of a different narc had also been drained all but dry. At first I was baffled. I usually lock my doors. I almost never leave. Only two trusted people have keys to my house. Only these two trusted people would know where I kept them. It swiftly occurred to me that one of these two had utterly betrayed me. A friend, someone I leave my child with all the time, someone I have loaned money to without conditions...been a friend to...cared deeply for...someone who had violated me.

Nothing else is missing...so far. All jewelry accounted for. I don't own much of value otherwise. So, I conclude this was a very specific target. Someone went directly for the meds, left the bottles and, apparently, cared enough to leave enough for me in case of an emergent crises.

How touching.

So, having a child inexorably draws me out of my hermitage and into the path of people. And of all those people, I once again go straight for the platypus. The wolf. And once again my trust is devoured and regurgitated back in my face. And yet because I did not witness the crime and I have no solid proof, I cannot confront the suspect and I cannot help but be torn between the love I formed for this person and the utter belief that they were the only one out of the two with motive and opportunity.

You see, the one day I went out last week was Sunday. As I was leaving I spoke on the phone with this friend and we laughed because she was just arriving at my apt. complex (where she lives as well) and I hadn't even seen her go by. She asked where I was going. I said to the tattoo parlor for another three hours of work. Many of you know how excited i am about the mural of art I am creating on my back. So did she. And just like that I had told her exactly how long I'd be out of my house and to please, be so kind as to go into my home and steal from me. Break my heart. Devastate my trust. Make me feel violated and stupid. Stupid for once again falling for the tricks of the platypus who acts utter loyal, truthful, trustworthy...at least on some levels...and went chinks start appearing in that trust in tiny flecks in other ways I forgive and forgive and forgive because I WANT to believe the best of someone I have chosen to love.

I want to be a good person. A forgiving soul. I want to be like my true best friend Laura who sees so much in her optimistic perspective...and it makes her such a bright and happy being. Not always of course...she is human and has her moments...but they are oh so rare and I want so badly to be as warm and beautiful as she is, as forgiving and faithful as she is, as trusting and understanding as she has been for every single year of our 15 plus years of friendship. She's a duck. No doubt about it. A true duck through and through.

So now I gather all my keys back, lock up my jewelry and meds in the safe, the passports, the SS cards, my heart, my trust, my faith...all of it.

What would you do?

7 comments:

Dmmorrigan said...

I know exactly how you feel. I made myself a promise years ago that I wouldnt become "one of those people" that never befriend anyone or trust again becuase of past betrayals.
Im glad I stuck to that promise. Otherwise I would have missed out on some real ducks.
If this person really is your friend then ask her. True friendships are hard to come by. Give her a chance to explain.
Theres really no reason to cut all ties with her on a suspicion. All though it is convincing.
I guess just make sure before you do something that can never be undone.
I hope this helps you.
BB
Deana

Jacquelyn Frank said...

Read new post...sigh.

m.m said...

I'm so sorry for that loss of trust. I've also known what it was like to know a "platypus" except I brought her into my parents home. My dad had had back surgery and just had his pain meds refilled. My friend and I went to visit and a few hours later I got a phone call from my parents. We knew she had a problem, but I had trusted her, so my parents had trusted her. Needless to say I was furious. I confronted her and she admitted to the theft. I then informed her that she would pay back my parents for the pills she stole, which she did. I forgave her and then we became roommates about 2 months later. It wasn't long before she stole from me again. This time it was jewelry. I called the police and reported it however since we lived together there was no way to prove she'd been in my room while I was at work. I'd had the last straw, so we went our separate ways. It took me months to begin to get over the betrayal. I was polite when I saw her, but could never truly trust her again. Once that trust is broken it is very difficult to regain. I'm not saying that it's impossible, but it's not easy and the answer for one person is not always the right answer for someone else. Be true to your heart and try not to shut the door on everyone. There are still some ducks out there.

Pamk said...

I'd definitely let her know what happened and explain that it could have been only one of two poeple and see what she said. If she is truly a friend and has a problem. I would help her through it. But she would have to admit to the problem first. I've never had anyone do this. But i have had kids that played with my son steal money from him. Also my Step sis had narcotics stolen from her after her histerectomy by her father no less. I would definitely be take the key back and probably not let her watch my child every again. Or at least until said child was way older like 16.

Amy said...

Jacki,
Please allow me to play devils advociate for a moment, because I, like you, always try to see the good in people no matter how often it blows up in my face. If your friend is stealing meds from you, knowing on some level that youd eventually find out, maybe she has a problem and this cry for help. I hope for your friendships sake that this is the case(not that I wish addictions on people or any thing). My "she-wolf" had no such excuse for things she did and my heart still aches for my lost friendship. Good luck! ~AMY~

Amy said...

Oh, one more thing. In my original response to your first post, I played devils advociate, but no matter the closeness of friendship, envolving someone child is completely crossing the line! I take no sh*t when it comes to my daughter no matter who it comes from! Im sorry that things turned out this way but its better to know now and then later, especially where B is concerned.

Patricia said...

A friend and I got caught in a trust situation some time ago, and I started to tell her that we trust too much.
I stopped myself mid-sentence, because it occurred to me that I was relieving people of their own responsibility to be trustworthy.
At a fundamental level, I believe it's necessary to trust "too much." Taking that position may be our only weapon against a world that doesn't contain enough trustworthy people.
Never make yourself wrong because you are a good person who expects other people to be good. There is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting people to be honorable. Gandhi said something like, "be the change you desire to see in the world." To do anything less than give every person a chance to be trusted is an insult to them, yourself, and to the human spirit. And, of course, this doesn't mean we should lie down and just take it and not challenge the behavior. We owe THAT to ourselves, too. It's a delicate and morally necessary dance.
Bravo to you for fighting the good fight on both a personal and a philosophical level. It sure as heck isn't easy, but B will learn many lessons from this besides just the obvious and immediate ones.
Or, this makes no sense, and I'M full of spit.
XOXO
Patricia

 

ENTRY | HOME | AUTHOR BIO | CONTACT | BOOKS | BLOG | LATEST NEWS | FUN STUFF
2010-11 Jacquelyn Frank All Rights Reserved. Web Design by Author Web Designs By Tara , Maintenance by George Waterman Web Design | Email Webmaster