I am not a screamer and a shouter. I don't do drama. I do humor, sarcasm and, on occasion, I pout. Not that I haven't thrown a hissy in my time or slammed a few doors...or my favorite, demanding a man stop the car so I could get out and walk rather than be stuck under his control a moment longer. (And when he told me it was 4 miles and I was and idiot, I said I preferred to look at it like four miles of imagining the road was his face and that I would enjoy every stomping step!)...okay so the stomping car thing is drama...but what I mean is I hate to fight.
Some people totally get off on it. This concept utterly baffles me! Romance novels where the hero and heroine clash and bicker from beginning to just about the very end, irritate the heck out of me. I mean, of course conflict is part of the story...otherwise it wouldn't be interesting and we wouldn't read it. But you can have conflicts, even arguments, without developing the screeching harpy from hell heroine or the pigheaded lout hero.
So last night I was determined to speak softly and logically. Not emotionlessly, of course, considering what was at stake...not to mention it would be highly impossible for an emotional being like myself. I confronted my friend about endangering B and then encouraging her to lie to me. She denied the latter...but no matter what I said she argued and justified this guy Keith hanging around them at the carnival. "He didn't come with us...we bumped into him...he paid for the girls..." "It was a public place with like a hundred people around." "I know what to do if someone gets out of hand..." "I would never endanger the girls."
I stood there staring at her. It was perfectly rational in her mind and, to her, I was the one overreacting.
She is not a bad person. I truly believe she hasn't got evil or maliciousness in her heart. In fact, just the opposite. Like me she says yes too easily, people pleases, ignores her instincts...goes against her better judgment and lets the wrong people into her life, but with the best intentions. That being said, I told her very clearly that the events over the past few days have shaken my trust. I told her B was never to be near this man again. I told her a lot of things.
What I didn't say is that I no longer trust her judgment. I know she doesn't do drugs, but I have no doubt that the theft was somehow associated with her. If not her, than one of her friends. Bottom line, B won't be entrusted with her anymore. But neither will I be nasty to her. I will transition away from this situation slowly and carefully. Calmly. Between travel, vacation and the move to NC, I won't see her very much and that is for the best.
A letter from a fan brought a question to mind. She was consoling me about my blog and explained how she never seemed to learn her lesson either when it came to people. But I have been giving this some thought and realized there were mirrored aspects to this. Either the universe thinks I need to learn a lesson and keeps setting me up with the same situation again and again until I finally learn how to guard myself and listen to my instincts better...or on the opposite spectrum I am supposed to learn how to remain open and giving and stick to my philosophies in life and overcome these challenges.
I believe we should be good to each other, see each other equally and with unity, race and sex not mattering. I believe we should always extend our hand in any way we can to those who are less fortunate than we are. I believe we should forgive, we should not lie, and we should behave honorably as if the being we most respect is watching us with a critical eye.
Perhaps you think this is Utopian and naive. Maybe you scoffed at it and thought "Yeah, right."
But the point is, Utopian or not, impossible or not, the only way I can ever expect to see all these things in others is by relentlessly trying to set the best example I can. I am really good at one or two of those things, I excel in at least one, and I work hard as heck on the others...and invariably fail with one as well. But the point is that I try. And, as much as I hurt, I hope I never stop and I hope somehow my example will make an impact.
Even if it ends up being on just one little blond girl.
That's more than enough for me.