Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Oh woe and alas...I have fat ass cats!

okay. let me explain, in spite of the self-explanatory nature of the title.

i lost all cable, phones and internet yesterday, one of the prices you pay for having everything through digital cable. if one goes out they all go out. so that means i have to use my cell to fix the problem and call cable company x. now you have to understand that i have no cell reception in my house, so i have to go outside to get a signal.

it was bleeding effing hot in new york yesterday. i know, arizona has 115 degrees in the shade....but that's their problem. it was 94 degrees out and that is just hot. i hate the heat. if i can avoid it at all, i will not step a single foot outside in all of the summer. it makes me sweat. i hate sweat. it makes me sick, aggravating my fibromyalgia. it makes me irritable. and i am so pale that five seconds in the sun gives me second degree sunburn. so here i am sweat my fat tushy off screaming at the voicemail as it transfers me to manhattan voicemail (i live in the catskills) and am forced to listen to the long long loooooooong loooooooooong list of outages in manhattan, the bronx, get the idea.

so i am reduced to screaming and cussing like a crazed lunatic in the broiling hot parking lot. then when i get a live person i can't seem to get them to grasp the concept of NO CELL RECEPTION IN THE HOUSE!!! as they continually ask me to check this and that piece of equipment for this and that reset button...I AM OUTSIDE YOU MORON!!! outside standing in the broiling heat in the center of the blacktop which is emanating even more heat.

so finally i find out that there is outages and oh well wait for the service guy tomorrow. i walk into the house and...the cable is working.


except, of course, the internet, which is so vital to my junkie existence. the only way to survive this catastrophic event is to play one of my mindless games from the accursed oberon media collection, my second junkie addiction, which is like being on the computer on the internet and an adequate substitute, at least for stopgap purposes.

now comes time to take B, heretofore referred to as "the ungrateful child", to horseback riding. i don't want to quit the game--forgetting that they now all have automatic save on exit--so i leave the computer on and open. after an hour of watching the UC do her thing in the comfort of my AC in the car, we head back home where i stagger in drooling need back to my laptop and find...

that i have fat-assed cats. no one else was in the house, the lock being changed after the whole medication fiasco. so when i see my keyboard on the laptop has been SHATTERED, there is only one culprit. or rather four. one of four. someone jumped or fell onto the damn thing and shattered the keys! the enter, quote and brackets keys are totally MIA. the shift key and question mark are snapped into bits! you may have noticed the lack of caps in this posting. i am a right handed i can't coordinate caps...and left handed shifting requires a complex process of thought and motor control. i am a left handed spaz. thus, i am leading a cap-less existence.

fat ass cats. now, the to figure it out. (this is not going to change the inevitable, but it makes me feel better...i think...because i have to have someone to blame other than my dumb ass who left the computer open.) the first and obvious suspect is damien. damien is sixteen lbs on a light day. he is also a horrid clutz. in fact, none of my cats are graceful. but damien is aware of his bulk and gracelessness and so is very careful to pick and choose where he lands.

then we have leo. leo weighs in at a mere 12lbs, but he also loves the highest perch on the cat tree in spite of the fact that he insists on rolling around up there like a spaz (he gets it from his mother) until he plummets gracelessly to the ground. he is a definite possibility.

nino...i least suspect. he actually has grace...more or less...but he is a decent 13 to 14 lbs on his own. and nikki is the lightest...a mere 9 lbs...but by far the one most likely to NOT look where he is going. he hates being crowded or touched by the others and if they get too close he freaks out and springs in any direction he thinks will get him away fast enough and far enough.

*sigh* an exercise in futility. none of this changes the fact that i must call dell hell. and anyone who has followed my blogs knows how i feel about calling or chatting with dell customer service. and to add perspective to the cable call, dell was a pleasant experience after that. the new kb is on the way. so...i will be capless and questionless for a while.

i think i might survive. i am not certain. please send chocolate.


Robin Snodgrass said...

OMG - you had quite a day! I can sympathize with the cats though. I only have one right now but she hates my laptop and anytime she finds it open and me not around, she lays on it and gets fur all over the keyboard. If I'm on it at the time, she comes from behind and slams it shut on my fingers whenever possible. I wouldn't trade my Sable for the world but sometimes it's a bit frustrating. But at least she doesn't weigh as much as my mom's cat SPIKE (and I intended to capitalize that) - he weighs 23 lbs last time we checked (about 3-4 months ago). He is one big boy. He goes where he wants and sits where he wants because he has some bad a** CLAWS!

I hope your keyboard comes quickly! And that your cable problems are straigtened out soon.

Have a great evening!!

Amy said... it ok that I laughed at your blog?? I just found the no reception and needing to go outside to the parking lot humorous because I know all about you not having reception! I'm sorry, I know it's not nice to laugh. And then the keyboard! Damn cats!! LOL!! And YES it was hot here too...whew!! Devin stayed in the pool for hours after dinner!

CinnamonGirl said...

And I thought I was the only one with horribley ungraceful cats! My GiGi is like your Nikki - freaking out easily & bolting with out really paying much attention to where he's going. And my Bear does the whole "spazzing out on the very top of the cat tree" thing, too! Now, my little girl, Lucy - she's just a perfect princess, of course! ;)
Anyway, hope your many keyboard and cable woes come to a quick demise! I, too, hope that it gets cooler...and soon! It's been in the upper 90's down here in NC. Take Care & Keep Smiling! ~ Ness

Crystal Adkins said...

Wow What a day you've had! You deserve a bunch of Dark chocolate!! You could set the cats up...sort of. Just put the computer on the place you had it before and sneak behind the corner and if one gets close intersept it so the computer is not broken more! Oh wait will that work for cats.. a set up? LOL who knows! Love and hugs, Crystal

Lynn said...

My middle weight cat once walked across my keyboard (looking for lovin') and I ended up on a web site in India.

I have five of 'em. I have a 25 pounder, a 20 pounder, one at about 12 or 13, one at 10 and one light weight. She lucky if she weighs 7 or 8. She was a runt. The 20 and 25 pounder knock the air out of your chest when they land on you.

My zoo (which includes a dog as well) has knocked my laptop down a few times. No major damage.

You gotta love 'em.

Anna said...

R.I.P to your keyboard!!! It's windy and 70 here in Minnesota. I'd gladly send some your way if I could. *HUGS*

falcontear said...

OMG-I hate to hear about your luck with your phone, cable, and internet. I think the computer was the icing though.:) But when it comes to your kitties don't feel alone. My husband and I got my daughter a handsome little fellow named Milo. He's a sweetie but, he loves to chew, So when we got our Nintendo Wii we put the wires up and out of reach. Or at least so we thought.(Oh Yeah, He did.)Milo snagged the sensor bar wire and chewed it in half. Of course we didn't figure that part our until we we on the phone with the Nintendo people trying to figure out why our controllers wouldn't work.(LOL)Of course my Bengal look way to entertained by this.Gotta luv the kitties.

Charlee Compo said...

You have my sympathies...big time. Being the mother of five feline brats, I know all too well the hell they can put you through. One has fur balls the size of Dallas on any given piece of carpeting or freshly-cleaned chair arm on a daily basis despite being fed no-fur ball food. Her name is Chelsea but we call her PMS Girl for obvious reasons.

Dasher takes exception to my DH getting anywhere near me. He is territorial. He is ALPHA MALE. He howls when it thunders and shrieks when the wind skirls.

Our loner baby is Bitsy, a yellow tabby who has ISSUES. She does not like strangers. She does not like having her ears cleaned. She does not do what she does not want to do.

One has issues with not knowing he's a male. He comes into heat during the three-night cycle of every full moon...tearing about the house screaming: "I DON'T KNOW!" Binky is a strange little dude(tte).

One weighs less than a pound and has trouble unhooking her back claws from the carpet which means she 'kicks' her back feet with every step she takes. She is very cold natured and would crawl into the baseboard heaters if she could. Not able to do that, she presses her face into them instead. She has no eyebrows or whiskers because they've been singed off. What does she care? She's too little to hop up to look in the mirror.

Yes, I can sympathize. More than you know.



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