Wednesday, October 3, 2007

To B or not to B...

Tonight has been one of the hardest nights of my life. I wrote the previous blog to you all so I could tell as many of my friends, fans and family as I could, all at once, about the impending loss of my child so I wouldn't have to repeat it individually over and over again. The "ripping off the bandaid effect" you could call it. Tonight, as B and I prepared to go out for dinner (I have no kitchen right now due to tiling), I was scolding her for leaving a mess on the counter. She was studying me a moment after apologizing to me for the mess, tilted her head and said, "You know, when I got on the bus this morning I was crying a little because you want me to go to Mommy."

I swear, I had been holding it together and being as normal as rain in spring. I have said nothing to her about any of this. It must have been her mother. I was so taken by surprise that I instantly burst into tears, grabbed her close into a hug and told her I don't want her to leave. I don't ever want her to go. She is my baby girl and I would never want her to go. But, I told her, she belongs to her Mommy too. I told her that her mother was fixing her life now and could take care of her once again, so I have no choice but to let her go.

Goddess, she is so smart. She had this all figured out. I don't think Karry told her specifically...I don't know...but she knew she was leaving imminently. She was so quiet and thoughtful about it, I had no clue she had known already last night that she would be leaving very soon. She had climbed on me, begged me to let her fall asleep on top of me because I was so comfy. I wish I could have said yes. I wish my body didn't ache so badly. I wish a lot of things. But the signs were there that she already knew. Stupid me for not remembering how clever my girl is.

The night spiraled from there. Once my tears confirmed her speculations, I had to tell her everything. I did my best to explain it all in terms she could best cope with. How to make her not feel guilty about leaving me? How to make her know that leaving me was breaking my heart at the same time so she would know just how much I love her? I told her that no matter what, no matter when, she would always have a home with me if she needed it. Then she said, "What about if Mommy dies? How will you know where to find me? I'll be alone. I don't want to sleep without you all alone." I told her that I would come as fast as I could and come get her. She told me, "But it's a long drive and it will be night once before you come." I actually smiled at that. The kid's got a hell of a memory and brilliant deductive reasoning. I said, "Oh, but for you I would take a plane. I would race up to NY and be there in a matter of hours. Three...maybe four at best. As soon as I find out, I will come get you." This seemed to relieve her greatly. So adult...so reasoning...and then... "But who will I play with while I am waiting?"

Bingo. Seven year old perspective has return in blazing glory! lol. That defining self-centeredness that doesn't fade until sometime after her teenage years, that innocence, and that short-sighted simplicity just takes my breath away.

Of course it was all downhill after that. Now that she knew her mother was coming for her, she kept saying, "I want Mommy!" over and over and over and over again. She clung to me, hugged me, and demanded her mother perhaps three dozen times. All I could do was tell her she had to be patient, that there was a plan and it would happen soon. My little love had no idea that every time I heard "I want Mommy!" it was like a knife stabbing me true and deep. I was hurt, jealous, angry and devastated all at once, and I couldn't show a second of it because I am the grown up. But all the same, I am human. And right now, I am so fragile I feel I could shatter any second. Suddenly so many things no longer seem to matter anymore! Things I thought were so important have flown away into nothingness. I can't delineate specifics, my mind is too scrambled, but anyone who knows this feeling knows what I mean.

Now I watch her sleep next to me and love all the little bits of her. Her little toes...the rosy curve of her baby soft cheek...and the way she makes me giggle when she farts robustly in her sleep. I felt the need to write you and tell you how I feel, not to gain sympathy, but to gain understanding. To remind you that the world can change in an instant. Beware of that. Live every moment carefully and deeply. I have sixteen days notice. So many are not so lucky.

Thank you and Blessed Be my friends, for no one deserves it more than you.
Jacki

22 comments:

Sage said...

Jacki.....

I have only been on your website for a few months now, but I have truly come to enjoy the posts and the humor that you bring to every one. I am truly so sorry to hear about this!!
I am sitting here in tears after reading your post, knowing the devastation that you must be feeling. The only thing that I can possibly say is this.....B will always know how much you love her! The Goddess will make sure of that!! She does not take such things as a broken heart lightly. She will, somehow, make it all ok in the end! And in the meantime, B is the luckiest little girl in the universe. She has TWO mothers who love her more than anything! You and B have a bond, and nothing, NOTHING, will ever break that bond!

I know that this means little, but please know that you are in my thoughts and a candle is burning for both you and B!! And your, right! This is your blog, YOUR journal, you write what you need to and know that we will be here for you whenever you need us!!!!

Sage / Becky

LittleSunshine said...

Jackie I am so sorry! Honestly I think "Sage's Comment" says it all. I do know this "B" will never forget everything you've done for her. You are her light and you will always remain in each other's hearts.

Crystal Adkins said...

OH Jacki!!! I am so sorry, It must hurt sooo bad! I don't know how you've held it together for her sake! Just know that I'm sending my love your way and if there was anything in this world I could do to help I would b/c you are a wonderful person. Love and hugs, Crystal

Susan said...

So near and yet so far away......I am with you in spirit my friend.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Pamk said...

I will keep you in my prayers. I can only imagine how hard this is.

m.m said...

Oh Jackie, I am so sorry! No parent should ever lose a child. As I read your blog my heart broke for you. There are no words that will ease your pain, just please remember that you're in our thoughts, prayers and hearts.

Stacy L. said...

I don't think I can say that hasn't already been said by Sage or the other ladies. I too, have tears filling my eyes and running down my face.

I'm so sorry Jacki that you are having to live this nightmare. I want to tell you to focus on the times in the future when B will be with you but I know that is of little comfort at this moment. I know you will spend the next 16 days storing up memories but please know that we are here for you.

Anni said...

I love you, my sister.

Stephanie*magic* said...

Like Stacy said, not much more I could say that they didnt.
Know that were here for you always. When B grows up and really understands the things that went on.She'll come to see who had her best intrest at heart.I really hope her Mom does right by her this time.
Your in my thoughts Jacki.
Blessings to you. *hugs!*

Jacquelyn Frank said...

Sage, ALL my friends...

Never for a minute think your wisdom is wasted. Every word is absorbed into my heart and my head and it IS helping me. Just the time you take to comment is precious to me. Just as you all are precious to me.

When I pray, I pray that B will remember this time in her life. I pray it will always mean something to her. I pray she will understand.

The knowledge that you are out there, feeling and supporting this with me, that is how I am holding myself together.

Thank you, darlings.

Tracy said...

Jacki - one of the things I love most about you and your blog is that you share your life with us. You ARE approachable and I love that. B. is a lucky little girl to have so many people that want her with them. She will always be with you - spiritually if not physically. And thank God for the telephone! :)
Hang is there sweetie - again, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

The Hotfessional said...

Jacqui - you and your little one are in my thoughts.

Pat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pat said...

wow to have two mom's that love her that will be something she will remember for the rest of her life

(Ada)lgisa Lato-Esposito said...

Hey Jacki...I no ur feeling blue right now but thought this might cheer u up a little...I hope! I wanted to let every1 know that 'Gideon' is up for Best Print Paranormal Romance in the NOR awards. Way 2 go, Jacki! If any1 wants 2 vote, visit Night Owl Romance @ http://pub48.bravenet.com/vote/vote.php?usernum=4115228275
Ada:)

Mariana said...

I am so sad for this situation, it is just heartbreaking. As suggested before, pictures are great. Also, if possible, web cams are great as well. My daughter (in NY) and her daddy (in FL) video talk about once a week. When she's visiting him, we do it more often. You can set up a time and make it a date. Don't know if it's feasible, but it could be a way of keeping in touch.

I wish you strength, love and light.

Suzette said...

Jackie,for you, I ache. I wouldnt want to be going through what you are. We are here for you in spirit. It may not help alot but I hope it helps a smidge.

Crystal Adkins said...

Jacki, another thing you can do on a very personal level...write B a letter. Then when you're putting the picture in the frame sneak the letter in behind the pic. In a year or a few when she is older tell her that it is back there. It will mean a lot to her the older she gets ;)

Stella Price said...

JACKI-

Love i feel for you. I'm truly sorry but she does love you and she needs both of you. The future isnt set love, and things have a way of working out. Just remember all the good times, cuz they will be back.

you know if you need anything, call.

S

Phyllis said...

Jacki,
My prayers go out for all of you. This is so heartbeaking but just know there are those of us who love you. Feel free to vent anytime and you will have someone to listen. Take care and Goddess Bless!! P

Lucy Monroe said...

Sweetie...my heart is shattered for you. The greatest fear most parents have is the prospect of losing a child and while you aren't losing B, you are losing the ability to be her daily mommy and you are such a good one. Honey, if you need *anything* you let me know. I'll be praying for you and Bianca and that somehow this loss becomes less than what it is and your connection grows even stronger.

Stephanie*magic* said...

Tracy, exactly!!
You are a wonderful lady and we are lucky to have you in our lives.
Hope your holding up my dear.Your still in my thoughts.*hugs*

 

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