Thursday, October 11, 2007

Like A Bandaid

Perhaps not many of you will understand this, but just so you know it made sense to me. I just came back from driving to New York and back. I dropped B off days early. Sunday. Visited Laura for a minor mental dissolution, and left as unexpectedly and impulsively as I had arrived. I suppose most people would have milked every day they had left with B to the very last drop, but most people didn't have to listen to her sob on the phone saying, "Mommy come get me!" and have her beg me incessantly, "I want Mommy! I want Mommy!" ceaselessly through every waking moment since the day she figured out what was happening.

It wasn't about what would make ME happy. And anyway, listening to her didn't make me the least bit happy. In fact, every "I want Mommy!" was like getting stabbed really hard in the heart. She didn't mean it this way, but it felt like: "I DON'T want YOU!" I began to cry in front of her constantly...it was like tugging off a superglued bandaid in teeny weeny increments. I was desperate to feel the pain and get it over with. I found the fastest solution and executed it coldly and smoothly. I ripped off the bandaid.

But before you think me a coward...like I think myself to be...speed has its flaws. Like her tiny Tinkerbell slippers, pink. sitting on the floor forgotten. Or laughing at 5:30 this morning at a show and slapping a hand over my mouth to quiet myself so I wouldn't wake her...before remembering it was no longer necessary. And those tile and wood floors I am so vainly proud of?

The whole house echoes. It's empty.

Dust coats everything as they continue to work, so occasionally I can make out the print of a small bare foot.

The bandaid is off...but like an amputated limb, I still feel the pain.

21 comments:

Susan said...

You're breaking my heart. I wished I had a magic bandaid for you.

Pamk said...

Man Sending best wishes and hugs your way hoping that the pain dulls with time. I know that it will never completely go away but maybe it will become bearable as the days pass.

Stacy L. said...

((HUGS)) I can't think of anything to say Jackie, except I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

Stephanie*magic* said...

I dont know what to say either Jacki.
But i'm sorry your going through this.And I hope you take care of you through all of it.
Was getting worried, so its good to hear from you. Take care.*HUGS*

Crystal Adkins said...

HI Jacki! I am proud of you! You knew it was a tough decision to take her back early, but it was the best thing for you...in time you'll see.
I wish none of this had happened and I am sending love and many many hugs to you!

Tracy said...

Jackie I'm sending you all the love and hugs I have! I know how hard this is for you and wish we were all there for you. I know the bandaid ripping hurt but hopefully the pain will lessen with time. {{hugs}}

Jen said...

Jacki, I'm sending you all my love and hugs. You know we are all here for you as you go through this.

Robin Snodgrass said...

Sending big cyber hugs your way. You truly did the only thing you could. I know that doesn't make it any easier but one day, it won't be quite as painful. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

QB said...

Aw, Jacki, my heart hurts for you.

Please consider yourself the recipient of some

{{{GREAT BIG MAMA HUGS}}}

(Ada)lgisa Lato-Esposito said...

Hey Jacki...we missed hearin' from u...it's nice 2 have u back! It has been said that, "without fear there would be no courage"...it was a difficult decision to make but it will all work out, u'll c! Ur in our thought!
Ada:)

Deidre said...

all I can say is...

{{{{Hugs}}}}

Suzette said...

Like everyone else here, my heart aches for you. I truly wish it was a pain i could take away.

Crystal said...

If having courage to face your biggest fears makes you feel like a coward then that only makes you human. Sometimes it's all about control or the loss of it that makes losing something or someone in ones life that much more unbearable. I know many that would not have had the courage to do what you had to for your own well being. That doesn't make you a coward, that makes you strong. All that know you and are apart of your life are blessed to have you in it.

redjuliet said...

Jackie,
I wish I could be there with you to hug you until the pain lessens. You are a brave and loving woman who has chosen the right path for you. You have blessed a child in was you may never know. I am in awe of your choice to share your sorrow with all who read your blog. Bless you!
Angie

Sage said...

Oh Jacki!!

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this! I think I can honestly say, that had I been in your shoes, I would have done the exact same thing! Please just remember what I said.... you guys will always have a bond, no matter where she lives! One day she will know just how much you had to sacrifice in order to let her be happy!

You are both in my thoughts! If you need anything, I hope you will please feel free to let us know! We are here...

Judie said...

I read your blog. Caretakers of children with fractured family so often have heavy hearts and sometimes feel the weight of that for a long time. I've been in that position (and find myself there, still, over long periods of time) but looking at the greater picture I can see that children need to know their Mom or Dad needs and wants them too. You did what you had to do and "B" will remember this and her time with you with love and affection.

Soraya said...

that just makes my heart ache all over and all I can say is that everyone who saw that blog feels you soul deep, all the best, hope the pain lessons with time, big hugs.

CinnamonGirl said...

Jacki, I just read this after having been on vacation this past week, so I'm sorry for the delayed response. I just want you to know that I'm sending much love your way. I know that you are grieving right now. Whether a person is living or dead, we grieve their loss in our life all the same. If we feel truly abandoned, particularly with out proper closure, the grieving can be greater. We all experience it differently. But, please know that I'm still grieving the loss of my dad, from cancer - so, if you ever need someone to chat with about the grieving process, coping techniques, etc., I'm around. Shoot me an e-mail if you'd like. There are some really great books I can suggest which have helped me a lot. If B is still going to be in your life in many ways in the future, I hope that also helps you to feel better - as if not all hope is lost.
Again, my warmest thoughts & wishes go out to you during this very tough time! Be Well! BEAR HUG ~ Ness

Ren (blndmschf1969) said...

My heart goes out to you Jacki...

I wish there was something to say or do to help...but there's not.

I can only send you my love, hugs, and my utmost respect. You are an amazing woman...you had the strength to take in a little girl who needed a loving home, and you gave her all of your love and the security she so desperately needed. And even more amazing, was the fortitude it took to give her back...I am in awe of your courage and your ability to give to others.

Anya Bast said...

I'm so, so sorry. :(

Have you ever considered adoption? I am an adoptive parent, international (not domestic). I know a bit about it. If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.

~ Anya

Jen said...

I've just got into blogs and to read this - words fail me. I know nothing I could say would ever be a comfort but people are there for you, even those of us you don't personally know, and if you need anything please ask. You bring such joy in your books that if there is anything I could do to bring you some right now I would. My hearts goes out to you xx

 

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