Tuesday, October 2, 2007

A Sad Circumstance.

Such a mild title for a moment like this. I simply don't know any clearer way to put it. Frankly, I am not feeling very pithy or cute right now. My entire world has been turned upside down. My heart lies in shredded pieces.

Bianca is going back to live with her mother.

Last night Karry called me and told me she wanted Bianca back, that she felt she was back on the right road and had reclaimed her life. She calmly tackled each issue and point, anything I could have questioned and everything I had demanded of her. She had, in all honesty, met just about every requirement.

I had no power to argue. I could barely speak as it was. I know she gave birth to her, and she does have every right to have custody of her child and raise her in any manner which she sees fit, but in my heart, as any of you who have followed this blog know, she is my baby. My little girl. And October 18th her mother will come and take her away from me. My devastation is soul deep. I can't stop crying. My chest aches so badly.

What can I do or say? We have joint custody, but she is the natural mother and has full power over her rights to her child. My guardianship will remain in place and if anything ever happens to Karry, Bianca comes to me. Thank the Sweet Goddess for that. Even so, I cannot demand Bianca. B has been sad and wants her mother very badly. We always want what is distant from us and we always forget the sharp edges of what it means to live with someone after a while. She complains that I am too strict. B wants to sleep with me every night and she wants to watch TV til she falls asleep. (It actually keeps her awake) I don't let her, but her mother does. I structure her, I refuse to let her act up, be disrespectful or lie. She can walk all over Karry easily and she knows it. But that's not grounds for keeping a child that doesn't belong to me.

So I had to agree. I have to let B go. It will be good for her. She loves and misses her mom. They are moving into her previous school district, so it will be old friends and familiar halls and and even more familiar setting of expectations. I will be able to keep tabs on her with the social worker, with whom I have a relationship already. She will let me know how Bianca is doing truthfully and as her guardian I will still have the right to ask.

But it doesn't change the hole that has just been ripped into my life. She will visit, maybe for whole summers, but it doesn't change the weight of the rock in my gut. I just bought her Halloween costume, but I won't get to go trick or treating with her now...or ever again. No Yule. No Thanksgiving. No giggles. No baths. No falling asleep in my arms. No stories. No arguing me into a corner. No wet willies in my ear.

I feel like I won't ever draw a breath again without feeling the pain hugging tight around my ribs right now...right where her little arms would be in a hug-as-tight-as-you-can contest.

Seventeen days.

I can barely breathe. How will I ever pull this off? How do I keep it together so she won't be made to feel guilty for going? How do I let her know I will miss her with all my heart and soul at the same time? We're not telling her about the change until the week before "just in case", so I have to keep calm for that long at least. Then I will put these kidnappers up in my house, as my guests, and let them take her over and take her away. And no. I won't make them get a room elsewhere, because then B will want to stay with them and that's a few more precious nights I can still have her to touch and hug, even if I only become incidental since Mommy will be there.

And I will paint her room pink and purple and I won't care anymore if the colors match anymore. I will put Tinker Bell up on every wall, and I won't give a damn if future guests like it or not. But I won't order her furniture because I won't be able to bear setting it up after she is gone. It would be so hollow. At least she will still be here for the decorating part. I can watch her enjoy that part. She will remember that somewhere there is a place, just for her, waiting longingly for her to come back to it.

And there will be a bedroom, too.


QB said...

There is NOTHING I can say that will help ease your pain. I drew in a gasping, pain-filled breath just reading that and I KNOW, as bad I THINK you are hurting, it's probably a thousand times worse.

Just know that you HAVE made a difference in B's life and that you will see her again.

And you WILL find your beautiful smile again.


Robin Snodgrass said...

There is not a single word or phrase at this point that could make you hurt any less. But know that you are in my heart, thoughts and prayers. I cannot begin to know your devestation but my soul aches for you. B will always know you love her and as she grows older, it will become even more obvious to her why you were strict with her - because you only want the best for her.
Stay strong and keep on loving. That's the best thing you can truly do for her right now.
Huge Hugs,
Robin S.

Anna said...

There are just no words. It hurt reading that. I can't imagine the pain you must be going though. My heart and thoughts are with you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Jacki;

I am so sorry that B is going back to live with her Mom. I can not even imagine what you are going through right now. My thoughts are with you and I know you will get through this, even with a gaping whole in your heart for a long time.


Stacy L. said...

Oh, Jacki. I know there is nothing any of us can say to make this better or to heal the hole in your heart. You are in my thoughts and prayers. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help please let me know....you know, send cookies, chocolate, and a boat load of hugs. Whatever.

I'll be thinking about you and B during this difficult time.

Susan said...

Oh Jacki, if only my arms could reach you. Sending you big magical hugs up the mountain. Give B a hug for me too.

Jacquelyn Frank said...

Thanks guys. I love you all.

Anonymous said...

OH Jacki, I know you've heard this over and over but I am soo sorry this is happening! I know you only have a few days left but enjoy them to the fullest so she and you will both have super happy moments! But she will be back to visit and maybe she will change her mind once she realizes how much she truly misses you. Take a picture together...make 2 copies and frame them. You keep one and give B. the other so anytime you want to see her or her you...the pic is right there. It may hurt to look at it for a while but belive me it will be worth it! I am so sorrry again! (((((HUGS))))

Stephanie*magic* said...

Jacki,i'm so sorry to hear this. My heart hurts for you. There are no words I could say to make this better. Just know that i'm here for you and your in my thoughts. Take care.*hugs and love*


Tracy said...

Oh Jacki I'm so very sorry that this is happening and wish I could be there to hug you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

CinnamonGirl said...

Jacki, I'm so sorry. You're such a good person & I always wonder why things like this seem to happen to the best people. I wish I had some kind of an answer to that. It sounds as if you & B have the kind of rare relationship that no amount of distance can ever remove. I wish there were something that could be said or done to take away your suffering. You'll be in my thoughts & prayers. Many, many hugs ~ Ness

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Jacki...I don't think I could say a single word that could make ur hurt go away. But just no, that u are in our hearts, thoughts and prayers.
They do say that in life things & people we meet happen 4 a reason...keep ur head up...Hugs!

Ann said...

Oh, honey, I wish I could comfort you and heal the hurt. I send you happy thoughts and big hugs.

Anonymous said...

No words can express my sympathies for you. I remember the day I, along with my godson's grandmother, had to let him go back to his mother after the courts decided that she was fit to raise him. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done, having to put him in the car, not knowing when I'd get to see him again. You spend your remaining time with B making memories for you and her to cherish when she leaves, letting her know that you love her and always will. Be strong and know that the time you have spent with B has made a difference in her life.


Jacquelyn Frank said...

Your posts and commiseration do mean a lot to me, and Crystal, your suggestion is pure brilliance. I am so blue and muddled that I doubt I would ever have thought of it on my own.


Susan said...


Hugs and love to you, dear. Bianca is a special child. You are a special woman to care for her so well. I'm sorry, Jacki.


Suzette said...

I'm sorry you are hurting. My thoughts are with you and if any of us could take the hurt away, just know we would. HUGS

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know where you are coming from. My husband and I had custody of his nephew for 3 years. From the age of 2 to 5. He and our oldest child were 6 months apart in age and were extremely close. We fought tooth and nail to keep him but the courts saw fit to put him back with his parents. On our end it probably wasn't the best move we could have made because his parents were mad and wouldn't let us see him anymore after that. At the time all we cared about was not losing our little boy. It took us 3 years to finally convince his parents to let us see him. It has all worked out in the end but if I could have done things differently I would have let him go without a fight just so I could have been there for him when he needed us.

Crystal said...

You have so much passion for this child that is not your own. The world would do well to have more of you in it, you see, my kids don't have a father. Because that's what he chooses. He has a new life, a new family and has disregarded his children from himself like waking from a bad dream. Everyone has choices, Biancas mother thinks she's right with the world enough to live life fully. You would do well to do the same. The hurt never goes away but it does channel into something either positive or negitive. I've read your books, they tell a lot about the depth of a person, I believe. So much talent, so much emotion and passion. The pain is new, realize that and face it head on. You have the choice to make something good come from this, or not. To go to hell and back is certainly a defining moment in ones life, I've made a similar journey but I am here to tell you that certain things happen in ones life for a reason. Some people stay in our lives for as long as we are here and some only a moment. She has taught you something about your life you may not realize but if you look it's there. To love something is to live and just because she's leaving doesn't mean she's gone. Think of this as a change not something that is coming to an end. You and Bianca can call, write and travel to see one another. You can still share that love with her while experiencing a new adventure yourself..Chin up girl. You care for this girl deeply, don't forget that there are people you haven't even met that care about you..


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