Monday, September 3, 2007

What is Escrow and Why Does it Make me Think of Cooked Snails?

Very likely this is because all of this house buying BS is as foriegn to me as the idea of people eating baked snails....voluntarily. Eww. I mean EWW!! Seriously, people! That's like Indiana Jones food! Right up there with the chilled monkey brains!

My house closing failed to take place this Friday. (Woe and alas, getting my ass in my house on time seemed much less important to the title company than their bonny three day vacation plans.) Bad Jacki for trying to screw that up on them!

At least B got to start school. She says she loves it. I am very relieved. They aren;t as touchy feely liberal as the NY schools, and something tells me that will be a good thing for her. For me have come to the dreadful understanding that I am a witch who has just moved into the Bible Belt. Certainly not the buckle...dead center DEEP SOUTH middle of the bible belt...but a notch or two in to be sure. Within 24 hrs of hanging around here I was convinced I'd be nailed to a cross and set on fire before dawn the next day.

Okay, so I'm paranoid. Maybe. But I AM pretty out there...but one person attempted to comfort me by telling me these two facts: 1. Asheville is number 3 in the country for having more gaysw per capita. *snicker* And Asheville's website has something called "The Freaks of Asheville" linked off their site leading to a large bohemian underground lifestyle full of radical weirdoes.

"Gee...uh...thanks!" I said to my normal, tall cut-from-Colgate-ads mattress salesman. So it took me a while to realize he thought I was a radical lesbian. I felt very butch. I wanted to release a manly fart, but alas my IHOP pancakes hadn't hit me just yet.


I have to laugh about it. And I am tired of playing it safe with B too. Today she was playing with my in the pool and started screaming that I was a wicked witch. I told her to stop that I really didn't like her talking to me like that. She didn't get it.

So being the adult I am I start taunting in return: "Bianca's an evil, wicked Christian!" After explaining what a Christian was (*head desk*)I explained to her that people were good and bad equally no matter shape, size, shade or religion.

Mix lesson gently with repitition and two aspirin. Repeat as necessary...


Christine said...

So glad to see you didn't lose your sense of humor along the way....... and it looks like it might just be key to your survival, so keep it close at hand! ;)

Maura Anderson said...

Hugs - I understand the escrow mess. That was no fun for us either and partly the reason I told C I won't move again for 20 years.

The bible belt thing might be interesting but if they think you're a radical, mean, lesbian, maybe they'll just be afraid of you.

I had a really BAD week at work last week and am thinking thoughts of turning my co-workers into were-ferrets or something. On top, of course, of looking for a new job.

Jacquelyn Frank said...

Well Maura, this is the beauty of being an author. You and I can take our frustrations out on anyone who pisses us off.

"Don't piss off the author or she will write you into a book, torture you and kill you." I prefer...

"Don;t piss off the author or she will write you in a book as the moronic loser geekoid who doesn't get the girl and lives with his Momma...forever."

(Ada)lgisa Lato-Esposito said...

Hi nice 2 have u back...u r HILARIOUS! You can take our frustrations out on me or better yet can I piss u off?...luv 2 be in 1 of ur books *giggles*...BUT not be tortured or killed! Lol! :) Ada:)

Tracy said...

Hey Jackie! Escrows are such a pain in the ass! Ug. Glad you're surviving it, but sorry it didn't close on time.

Personally I like the second version of "don't piss off the author"! :)

Hang in there sweetie!! {{hugs}}

Kortne said...

Lol jacki if anyone can have a good time in the bible belt states it would be you!! Ull start getting lil' bible books on ur door and car like i do!! well im glad ur sense of humor still rocks!!

Susan said...

Oooh Jacki,

Welcome to house buying hell 101. I just bought my 1st house and boy was it a learning experience. But it does feel wonderful when it's your's.

WELCOME to the Bible Belt...hehe. I was born and raised in the South (grits) and yes there can be some fanatics. I was raised Southern Baptist and do believe in God, but would never snub anyone who believes different. I like to think of myself as being open minded. You have the right to find peace and comfort in whatever faith you wish.

If you need help with southern dialog there's the redneck dictionary and I found a site that is hilarious. That site will have you ROFLYAO..

signing off----Sinful Sue to your south


PS-->GRITS=Girls Raised in the South

Stephanie*magic* said...

lmao!!! Love it Jacki.Its is great that your keeping your humor through it all.
Those kind of people make me laugh too :D
lmao @ maura.
Hopefully they'll just leave you alone.:)
Happy to hear B is likin school.
Good luck with everything Jacki!

Suzette said...

Escrow....I'm on my third mortgage so been there. Good to have you back. You had some really great authors here so that made up for your being busy. Hell, i wanna be in your book but I want a sexy man and we have a HEA. You can use my hubby as the inspiration for my sexy man in the book. LOL

jabberwookie said...

I love Asheville. I went to school at UNCA. Don't worry about the witch thing. There are actually alot of them that live in Asheville. On halloween they celebrate Samhain. I know there is a celebration somewhere...Just don't remember where.Try going to Elder Moon on Merriomon if it is still there. Neat shop. There are robes, crystals, etc. There used to be a new age shop on wall street downtown as well. That shop had crystals,etc there as well. I also recomend attending some of the events that UNC-Asheville holds. Maybe not wicca but interesting. :) There are plays, lectures, etc. Great library....I am biased though. It is my alma mater. :) LOL Oh if you love pizza, etc try Asheville Brew and View on Merrimon Ave. Also try the Magic Mushroom on I think Broadway. Oh if you need the hospital for your feet Misson/St. Joseph is also on Merrion/ long road with different names. I would also sugges checking out the shops in downtown and biltmore village. Resturants and Walmart are on Tunnel road. If you have any questions about Asheville. Let me know I might be able to answer. Just email me at :)
Good luck with the unpacking.


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