There was an apocalyptic movie named The Day After, and somehow that feels apropos. I want everyone to know I am okay. Relatively. Auntie Depression has come for a visit. I am overwhelmingly sad every time I see the littlest thing that reminds me of B. I pull in the garage, her bike is there, I open the pantry, that stupid ramen noodle soup she thinks is more than adequate nutrition for a growing girl is there. A sentence you never thought you'd utter: Ramen noodle soup made me cry.
And then I brought Snickers, the kitten I rescued three weeks ago, to Brother Wolf so she could be properly fostered and then adopted. So that was a heart ache on top of what I am already feeling. I keep wandering the house aimlessly, as if my body knows it's supposed to be doing something: Making dinner, playing Connect Four, riding her ass to take a bath...but there's no B here and no longer a need to do all of that.
I don't even know if she made it home. I have to assume she did. No one called me and there's no way of calling there. I took B's phone away because if she can Skype with her mother while she's here then she can damn well Skype with me while she's there. I'm not going to pay for a phone for all of them to use. Like I said, this gravy train has come to a full and complete stop.
I sent a letter home with B, suggesting to her mom the things I felt were urgently needed in order to see B was cared for, and explaining why I sent her home and wouldn't be bringing her back any time soon. I've not gotten a response and I won't be surprised if I don't get one. Why should she let me talk to her kid if she's not going to get anything out of it any more? I guess I feel like I'm never going to see B again.
I'm catching a little flack for 'oversharing' my personal life on the internet. That it's somehow going to hurt my career. Well. Gee. Okay. And welcome to the land of I don't give a flying fuck. I write. I write pretty damn good too. You should buy me based on that. If you don't want to know what I'm like as a person, don't follow my blogs. Don't trail my personal account on Facebook. It's your finger doing the clicking on that mouse, not mine.
For those who do follow me, you know I'm usually a pretty happy, ebullient person. I share the good and the bad, the professional and the personal. I share it all because clearly you want to hear it. And I share it because on days like yesterday, your support rolls in and surrounds me, comforts me like a great big hug, buoys me up when I think I am going to shatter into pieces. I wish I could return the favor to all of you. It's special. It's precious. It means the world to me.
Thanks guys.
Hugs and Kitties
Jacki
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8 comments:
Jacquelyn, you do boost us up with every book you write. Be true to yourself. My boss told me once and it has never left me. "Take care of yourself first, family second, and job last. With out the first two, the third doesn't matter." You will find someone who loves you for you, she will eventually realize what she had and lost, maybe you will let her back in at that point and maybe you wont, but it will be her loss not yours.
Hugs from NS.
You should do as you please. You are right that she probably made your house a home. But you can create that with friends and animals. Hugs to you. Have you ever thought of foster care or adopting a baby of your own?
Aubrey
we love you for sharing both the good and bad of your life! that way we can feel with you! i hope that lets you know that you're not alone!
I have more respect for you now as a persona and a writer after reading your blogs!! It makes me want to go out there and by anything with your name on it!! The fact that you open yourself so honestly to us makes you so much more personable. We've never met and yet you've made me care about what is going on in your life and you make me pray that everything goes well for you and that you find peace and happiness! Things will work out as they are supposed to do. You've followed your heart, the urging of your soul, and there is no way you can go wrong when you do that!! Blessings!!
one must be true to oneself...I love your honesty and deep feelings...time has a way of giving clarity to things that happen...sending good thoughts and love your way.....
It truly is not worth listening (or reading) the negatives. It's just not worth your time. Happy thoughts coming your way.
Jackie, I feel like I completely understand what you are going through. I'm sorta in the same place with my stepson, and at this point, I'm over being the 'mature' adult and taking responsibility for him when his mom and my hubby rarely do.
I think that you should have someone in your life that loves you, however, and I don't think you should give up on that EVER!
If you like kids, have you considered being a foster mom? Those kids need so much love, desire so much love, and if you get the right one, you will get so much love back.
I'm a nurse and I once took care of a patient who was 87 and didn't have any kids of her own. But everyday in the hospital, different young people came to visit her and take care of her. She had 20 foster kids (not all at once of course), but she over the years influenced these kids in amazing ways and set them on the right path. They are now all successful, happy and LOVE her to pieces.
I'm not saying that you can replace B, but you need someone to love that loves you back. Sure a pet fill a void, but pets don't talk or play Connect 4. It's just something to consider down the road after you have healed from this encounter. There are so many children out there that are in dire need of love, stability and support, and most of them aren't ungrateful users.
Hugs from Portland.
Bless your heart! I don't know the specifics as I missed the previous post but I will say that I know how painful it is to be separated from someone you love.My thoughts will be with you.Being able to share your happy thoughts as well as your troubling ones gives me a sense of giving back all that you have given me in your writing.
Much love,
Crystal Dee
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