Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I Hate My House I Love My House

Soo...if any of you have been following me on Facebook or know me as a friend, you know I have been struggling with my writing. The truth is I haven't written anything of consequence in a dog's age. (Don't worry, I have enough backlog in books to keep you in fresh material for a long time to come.) Now, it might be professional suicide to share this with you, but I have committed suicide before and am still here to tell the tale, and I have always shared everything with you all and I am not about to start pulling my punches.

Truth is, all writers go through writer's block...or periods of feeling drained of their creativity. What I speak of is not new phenomenon. Some of the most famous authors you know were plagued by the writer's block beast. But for me it's not so much a block as it is...my inner child wants to play not work not ever so nah!

I am 170lbs lighter than I was. I can wear gorgeous clothes and shoes. I can get on planes and fit in the seats. I can travel everywhere. I can do just about anything! Why oh why would I want to sit here, in front of the computer, in this seat that I was trapped in under fat and infirmity for DECADES in this dark spot in my house?? I existed in that spot, unmoving, unliving, uneverything. Now...I loathe it. I loathe sitting in one spot. I loathe being in my house. I loathe this computer screen I have stared at for every single day for so damn long.

I want to PLAY! I want to shop! I want to go out and go dancing and run on a beach and do things people do to have fun. I want to conquer my fears and do some crazy ass shit while I'm still young enough to do so. Because, you see, it snuk up on me so fast last time. One day I was young and healthy (albeit overweight. Have been since I was 15) and then the next...(so it seemed) I couldn't even climb a set of three stairs. I couldn't walk through a store. I had to go to Wal Mart or Target only because they were the only ones who had electric carts. I had to buy a one story house (I have a 'bonus' room though which is up over the garage. I lived in this house for almost 2 years before I was able to even see it!)

The point is, I feel like I've wasted so much time and, despite the weight loss, I am still not all that healthy. (People marvel at how much meds I am on. Granted it's a few less now than before...) What if I spend all this great time sitting on my ass and suddenly...bam! It's all gone again?

But like I said in my title...I hate my house....but I love my house. I want to keep it. I want to keep my car. I want all those little things that come with a paycheck. So...this girl's got to work. It's not as though I want to be irresponsible. It's not that I want to quit and never write again. I love to write. I love to make up stories. I like to create unique worlds that blow your socks off. :) (My agent and my editors and publishers are going to be very glad to hear this part) So here's the thing. How do I write and stay focused when my inner child is whining that it wants to go out and play?

On top of all of this, I'm stuck in my own head. Or maybe even my own ego. I sit here thinking whatever I do next has to be UTTERLY SPECTACULAR!! It has to outshine everything I have ever done before AND it has to be strides ahead of the tremendous talent that is out there in my genre. (And those who aren't tremendously talented but somehow popular just the same). I have to write a NYT Bestseller that outdoes myself...and can do battle with everyone else. And then once I do that..OMG I have to do it again! And again!

And crap, I gotta pay taxes, too.

Not too much pressure, eh? This is the essence of writer's block. A writer who gets stuck in the pressures and minutiae in their own minds. All of the above mentioned crap AND the daily list of things in their personal and business lives that they swim in.

But I think I found a solution. For me anyway. I'm taking it Old School. I'm leaving the laptop at home, leaving home at home, and with nothing but a wire bound journal and a favorite pen, (well, ok so i do take my cell) I am going out and finding quiet nooks and crannies where I can sit, enjoying the OUT THERE out there, and yet focusing completely on writing. This is how I did it when I was a kid. Back when teachers thought I was the most diligent notetaker in class? That was me writing reams and reams of stories, perfecting what would one day become a craft. The spiral notebook was my original laptop. I had forgotten how much I love the feel of pen drawing over paper. There's sometimes a few moments that it takes to write a word vs. typing a word that allows your brain to jump to the next thought.

Now, the downside..no delete key, no backup files (save me if I drop today's gel inks--my favorites--in a puddle), and I have to retype the whole thing over again eventually anyway. So this is strictly for creative purposes only. Perhaps just to get me started. I am considering an IPad...strictly for the purposes of being able to carry it in my purse everywhere at all times without having to lug a laptop hither and yon. The laptop isn't big, just...inconvenient. But I don't know if an IPad is easy to type on. Still, it can't be any slower than using a pen, right?

Maybe I'll stick with the low tech solution. For now it feels good. I can't tell you how many words I've written...for some reason the damn journal refuses to tell me!

Hugs and Kitties
Jacki

PS: So far Barnes and Noble and the Library have been tried out. B and N is nice, but there's a lot of pressure in those bookshelves. The library has no pressure because they don't have a single damn book in my genre from what I can see, but it was really freaking noisy after 2pm. Any other suggestions? I need a chair that's comfy that I can cross my legs in and prop the journal on my knee. Oh, hey! My therapist's waiting room was nice. Wonder if they'll let me haunt it. :P

31 comments:

Molly said...

Well it sounds like your renewing your love for writing and life! Just please tell me you're doing more with the Shadowdwellers and Nightwalkers series. I just read Pleasure for the third time. Guin and Malaya are my fav. And I love all 5 Jacob, Gideon, etc.

Ducky said...

Jacki,

You so need so "ME TIME", HOWEVER, if you want to write, go to the coast or the Bahamas, go to a nice hotel with a balcony, string up a hammock in a nice shady part of your yard or a nice lounger (too much sun.....sunburn. Sunburn BAD). Have a little picnic in your yard with inspiring snacks or beverages, or turn your upstairs room into your own private writing sanctuary, FOR WRITING ONLY.

Get yourself a digital pen that captures what you write, and then download it into you Mac. I was checking them out (I have always wanted one and you gave me an excuse to look). This is the one I like, AND it has Mac compatible software!!!Here is the link:

http://www.irislink.com/c2-1626-189/IRISnotes-------The-Digital-Pen-that-types-what-you-write-.aspx

There are more out there, just not for Mac. This shows a little video. I looked at so many, but I think this is the one that will store 70 pages before you have to download. I don't know how much you write in a stretch but that seems like a lot to me! I think it has a 3 hour battery and the pens themselves are cheap enough so you could get a couple.YEAH this pen is on my I MUST HAVE list. I want to start writing again so bad, even if it is just for me. I think the iPad's are nice too, but there are other things to do on it and I would be too tempted to stray and play!!

I know you will find a solution and I hope you write more in the Shadowdweller series. I love the thought of the school to help understand ones sexuality. We might not have as much rape or sexual crimes as we have.

I hope I helped give you some ideas and motivation. Well off to watch GLEE!! I love that show! Have a good night.

Denise (Ducky)

TerryM又來ontane said...

Many a true word is spoken in jest.............................................................

Indrianna said...

Do you have a Borders anywhere near you? WiFi throughout the store and a nice coffeehouse inside of it. Perfect place to do some work. Quiet enough to concentrate, with enough 'life' that you do not feel as if you are in a vacuum.

Ducky, you have just given me my next techie buy with that pen!

Sandra said...

I am sure you are a grreat writer, and I too want to become a writer just like you. Please help me out in writing good and skillfully.

Angie said...

ok I gotta comment my fellow facebook gamer . I am overweight (140 lbs) I have lost and gained over the last 15 years. Today I am starting on a treadmill routine. I am up to 9 minutes twice a day. why? cuz I can't do more and Walt Disney World is so gona kick my butt next year, if I don't get in shape! Not great but SO much more than I was. I "get" the life is new and you wanna go out into it. My suggestion isn't for a place but maybe a heroine who has your victories and stuggles in weight find her sexy "walker". Including her overcoming her insecurites and knowing that she is worthy of love. and seeing herself clearly. Many "skinny" people have as many if not more, body issues than me!And I would really love to know if Ruth gets whats coming to her!!!

Suzette said...

Silly as it may sound, try the park. A shady tree away from the crowds but close enough to see the people or hear them if you want. The cemetary. Quiet, but might inspire a book. Do the things you want a weekend at a time if you must, but do them. It will be liberating and you might come up with new ideas for your books.

Btw, congrats on the weight loss. I havent had a chance to see you since you had the surgery except in a few pictures and you look fantastic.

Good luck and whatever you do, you will always have us,your fans, supporting you all the way.

ddsun said...

Don't know if you've already taken the iPad plunge. If not, you might want to consider the Airbook instead (go to an Apple store if you can and play with both). Typing on the iPad is not great. The Airbook is not much bigger, but has a keyboard.

The other option is a bluetooth keyboard that Apple sells that is small enough to carry with your iPad.

Also, there is voice recognition software that works with iPad (although that seems a bit more conspicuous, sitting in the park). Dragon something I think. If you're interested, I'll dig up the deets.

I think you're doing the right thing. Get out and do! (Or the mantra I repeat to myself - use it or lose it!).

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Mech said...

Okay so I have no clue what is in your town/city but I can tell you where I go when I need to work on student papers and typing up work for the kiddies. I like to go to Book-a-Million and sit outside the coffee shop. Sometimes I go to my Grams's barn...we converted it into a meeting place for the family/ it also is set up as an exercise room too. I also like to ...and please don't look at me strange...go to the college and work either in the library or on the grass or just about anywhere- including an empty classroom ...everyone works and no one cares who you are. If I'm really desperate- I work at the following...I'll go to the beach or lake and sit on the pier- the fisherman don't want the talking and the only thing that bugs me is the birds. (Or I get a hotel room on the beach and sit on the balcony)

文行文行 said...

More haste, less speed...................................................................

曉薇 said...

這樣的情感,真是值得人羨慕.................................................................

Bonnie said...

I totally get what you mean about the weight. I had gastric bypass surgery in Nov 09 and now I have a new lease on life. My view on life has changed as well. I don't want to sit around doing nothing all day, I want to play too. When and only when you are ready, is when it will be time to write again. Have fun sister!!
p.s. I have never been so hot in my life when I read the story of Magnus in Shadowdwellers, but for you and your happiness, I'm willing to wait and not bug you. You truly have a gift.

怡潔怡潔 said...

Pen and ink is wits plough.................................................................

靖福 said...

欣賞是一種美德~回應是最大的支持^^....................................................................

Dixie 11-in-67 said...

Where I live there are tons and tons of public parks, beaches by the lake and lovely spots to enjoy the georgeous weather-- not to mention the harborside coffee bars and bistros-- all great places to enjoy the atmosphere and exercise the creative juices. At least in the summer-- I wouldn't reccomend it in the winter, which can be brutal in the Chicagoland area.

清鴻 said...

人生是故事的創造與遺忘。............................................................

陳登陽 said...

人有兩眼一舌,是為了觀察倍於說話的緣故。............................................................

宥妃宥妃 said...

還是喜歡這裡-支持你..................................................................

realistically said...

I say let your inner child out! Let her play, just sit her down and explain to her that she must be helpful. We all get stuck in a rut of life somewhere along the way and need a change. Currently I am waiting to get back home to AZ from WA, it's only taken 15yrs to go back home, but damnit, I'm doing it! As soon as the house sells, and horses sell, and, and, and..... What I mean is that I want to be home, but I can't, so I allow myself to "be home" in my mind, or trips, it's not the best thing, but it's something. Your inner child is no different! Sleep in late, go hang with the galpals, travel, and by God SHOP woman!! We all need some retail therapy and yor accountant will survive, teehee!! I would look for something inspiring like of those killer dresses you describe in Stealing Katheryn. Find your inspiration in those inner child moments! Go to amazing places and take lots of photos, then look back on them and play them into your next new world or reality. I know you'll find your inspiration somewhere, it'll just take time. Any maybe..... just maybe, you NEED a break. Nothing wrong with that, vacay it for a while, do some crazy shit, find that spice for life (and writing) again!

Ok, a huge congrats on the weight loss, and crossing fingers for you on your future success:) I go in in 3 weeks for the work to remove all my extra skin, and will be reading lots of books (yours included) during my recocvery. I can't tell you enough how much I love your books and can't wait for the next one to hit the shelves.... no pressure:)

No get out there girl, and get your crazy, sexy inner child on!!!!

宥妃宥妃 said...

人生的「三部曲」應該是無愧的昨天,充實的今天,與充滿希望的明天。..................................................

嘉剛怡元 said...

想要推動天下,先要發動自己。..................................................................

志張sf夏康如皓志gfg志 said...

Constant dripping wears away the stone. 滴水穿石!加油!..................................................................

宥妃宥妃 said...

唯有用熱情、用智慧去觀察事物,這事物才會把他的秘密,洩漏給我們............................................................

水慧 said...

聽著音樂逛BLOG~~享受!!我不想上班了啦…..................................................................

Laura Elizabeth said...

Well Jacquelyn, it seems you are right about all authors get it, I know quite a few that as we speak, they want to play, are depressed, have a block lots of reasons. I think it has something to do with some planet spinning back wards until this fall and some stars are not aligned the way they should be. My problems? I'm not famous like you yet but I am on my way, I want to play and there just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day rofl! Best of luck fb friend.

潘凱花潘凱花 said...

生命中最美麗的報償之一便是幫助他人的同時,也幫助了自己。.......................................................

許惠吟許惠吟 said...

一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼.................................................................

Marie said...

I am so glad that you are continuing to write even if you have to do it the "Old School" way! Your writing is too amazing for fellow followers to miss out on! Not sure what is around you but Starbucks, a park, many of the small downtown areas have amazing old cafes and restaurants that you could sit in, I enjoy my porch swing when the weather is nice so maybe a chair outside your house, maybe explore other libraries (the children's sections always have the best chairs around me, to name a few! I am impressed with your weight loss and very curious as to what made it happen for you? I have been struggling for years and any advice is good advice! But no need to answer because I know that may be to personal! :) I wish you the best of luck! You have greatly improved my love of reading with all of your novels! Thanks!

冠梁宏 said...

It is easier to get than to keep it.......................................................................

秀李李迪秀李李迪 said...

果然很有意思呀....這當然要頂一頂呀 ̄﹏ ̄......................................................

 

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