To B or not to B...

Tonight has been one of the hardest nights of my life. I wrote the previous blog to you all so I could tell as many of my friends, fans and family as I could, all at once, about the impending loss of my child so I wouldn't have to repeat it individually over and over again. The "ripping off the bandaid effect" you could call it. Tonight, as B and I prepared to go out for dinner (I have no kitchen right now due to tiling), I was scolding her for leaving a mess on the counter. She was studying me a moment after apologizing to me for the mess, tilted her head and said, "You know, when I got on the bus this morning I was crying a little because you want me to go to Mommy."

I swear, I had been holding it together and being as normal as rain in spring. I have said nothing to her about any of this. It must have been her mother. I was so taken by surprise that I instantly burst into tears, grabbed her close into a hug and told her I don't want her to leave. I don't ever want her to go. She is my baby girl and I would never want her to go. But, I told her, she belongs to her Mommy too. I told her that her mother was fixing her life now and could take care of her once again, so I have no choice but to let her go.

Goddess, she is so smart. She had this all figured out. I don't think Karry told her specifically...I don't know...but she knew she was leaving imminently. She was so quiet and thoughtful about it, I had no clue she had known already last night that she would be leaving very soon. She had climbed on me, begged me to let her fall asleep on top of me because I was so comfy. I wish I could have said yes. I wish my body didn't ache so badly. I wish a lot of things. But the signs were there that she already knew. Stupid me for not remembering how clever my girl is.

The night spiraled from there. Once my tears confirmed her speculations, I had to tell her everything. I did my best to explain it all in terms she could best cope with. How to make her not feel guilty about leaving me? How to make her know that leaving me was breaking my heart at the same time so she would know just how much I love her? I told her that no matter what, no matter when, she would always have a home with me if she needed it. Then she said, "What about if Mommy dies? How will you know where to find me? I'll be alone. I don't want to sleep without you all alone." I told her that I would come as fast as I could and come get her. She told me, "But it's a long drive and it will be night once before you come." I actually smiled at that. The kid's got a hell of a memory and brilliant deductive reasoning. I said, "Oh, but for you I would take a plane. I would race up to NY and be there in a matter of hours. Three...maybe four at best. As soon as I find out, I will come get you." This seemed to relieve her greatly. So adult...so reasoning...and then... "But who will I play with while I am waiting?"

Bingo. Seven year old perspective has return in blazing glory! lol. That defining self-centeredness that doesn't fade until sometime after her teenage years, that innocence, and that short-sighted simplicity just takes my breath away.

Of course it was all downhill after that. Now that she knew her mother was coming for her, she kept saying, "I want Mommy!" over and over and over and over again. She clung to me, hugged me, and demanded her mother perhaps three dozen times. All I could do was tell her she had to be patient, that there was a plan and it would happen soon. My little love had no idea that every time I heard "I want Mommy!" it was like a knife stabbing me true and deep. I was hurt, jealous, angry and devastated all at once, and I couldn't show a second of it because I am the grown up. But all the same, I am human. And right now, I am so fragile I feel I could shatter any second. Suddenly so many things no longer seem to matter anymore! Things I thought were so important have flown away into nothingness. I can't delineate specifics, my mind is too scrambled, but anyone who knows this feeling knows what I mean.

Now I watch her sleep next to me and love all the little bits of her. Her little toes...the rosy curve of her baby soft cheek...and the way she makes me giggle when she farts robustly in her sleep. I felt the need to write you and tell you how I feel, not to gain sympathy, but to gain understanding. To remind you that the world can change in an instant. Beware of that. Live every moment carefully and deeply. I have sixteen days notice. So many are not so lucky.

Thank you and Blessed Be my friends, for no one deserves it more than you.
Jacki